Just like that..

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After 3 years of waiting I was finally pregnant.. I found out in November after having the all too familiar sick and yucky feeling and I was late. I was happy , excited but somehow cautious maybe that was a sort of a premonition of what is to come.

I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. Of course at that time you can hardly see anything through Ultrasound, I had issues with backpain and my gynae warn me that this fact worries her as it might be a sign that the body is rejecting the pregnancy.. she says come back in a weeks time and we will do another Ultrasound.  I was 5 weeks when I saw my Gynae...she saw the gestational sac and since its early pregnancy she congratulated me and told me to take care and set my next appointment.  On the very same day I started spotting.. I rushed back and she ordered me with bed rest.. to cut a long story short.. I was on several days bed rest, I went to another Gynae who gave me medication to enforce the pregnancy and the spotting stopped. All this while I thought there is a chance and the baby will be alright but my gut feeling told me.. something is amiss. 

I know I should learn to trust my instincts but I was so hopeful with this one.. ya lah after a long time waiting right..but something just niggles me.. the spotting went on for 3 weeks and stopped. It restarted as I was about to turn 11 weeks. I went to the my new Gynae but she was on leave and had given my case to her replacement. That Gynae did a scan and dropped me the news . 

She said, there is no point in prolonging the pregnancy because the pregnancy had not progressed as it should be. I was devastated..stunned.. though I had my niggling feelings and was "prepared" for any eventualities... it did not make it easier actually hearing this from her.. she advised that I should proceed with a D&C so that the pregnancy would not be toxic to me. I asked for time.. that was Xmas Eve.. I said I shall return to see her on Boxing day (the clinic reopens then) to sign the forms and schedule the D&C on Monday. The Dr. agreed.

I had started bleeding on Xmas.. though mild but I figured perhaps it would be better for it to come out naturally without having felt violated with the pregnancy forcibly extracted from your wombs. What was meant to be is meant to be.. I started getting cramps at 7-8pm  and it was in spurts ...I was still raw emotionally and was so mentally tired that I decided to take a pain killer for my headache then and go to sleep at 10.. I woke up at 12 feeling the beginnings of a contraction..but slept it off.. and the real pain started at 2am .. it went away and I went to sleep again but by 3am.. I could not sleep, lie down, sit or walk as the pain was excruciating..I was in "labour" . The pain?  only Allah SWT. will know .. and I remember thinking this must be what giving birth naturally feels like (my first pregnancy was an emergency C section after being induced ). 

The pregnancy came out after an absolutely unbearable painful contraction at 3.30am .. after that I stood up not knowing what to do.. I did not wake up hubz throughout all this ordeal.. I guess I needed to be alone going through this.. dunno if that even make sense. 

The next morning hubz and I buried it. I took a picture of it to show to the Dr. It was a weird feeling, my body felt like it was floating, I was shaking and emotionally raw.. traumatized to say the least. We went to the The replacement Gynae as per scheduled and I informed her of what had happened. She did a scan and told me it was a complete miscarriage and there is no need for any D&C. I was glad that at least I did not have to go through that procedure.

I asked for an MC to recover and strangely the Gynaed did not see the need for me to take leave , she gave me a measly 2 days after hubz insisted..as I was due to take leave on the 3rd day of the week anyway.  I was still in shock and did not see what she wrote. The day after I had to inform my office and a few friends about me taking leave etc...I took out the MC and what did the Dr. write ? "Gynalogical Problem" just like I suffered a severe bout of Menses or something. Insensitive much no ? ..I was livid! *sighsss*

Just like that it was all over, I suffered bad Morning sickness throughout and it stopped on the very day I found out that the pregnancy did not progress. I am still getting through it.. moving on. This much I know.. Allah knows best. 

I flew back home.. needing my Mommy wanting the comforts of home.. the whole family , extended family converged at my Aunts crib in Kundasang and Alhamdulillah it had the calming effect I wanted. It is good to be among family who really supports you and care for your well being. I am so thankful for that. I celebrated TwentyTen in a room with lilD asleep.. the fireworks was going up everywhere welcoming , celebrating. I had no resolutions this year.. I was not interested in any merriment I just wanted to be... calm , collect my thoughts, reflect and grieve. 

I went to my Gynae in KK. She did a good job explaining, articulating  what  was in my mind.. there was the guilt ,the worry ,the frustration, the anger and most of all the sadness. I am so thankful I went to her.

What is clear out of all this is . No matter how bad things are a good support system is all that matters. I can't imagine what the would have beens were if I had not had that support. 

Now... life goes on.. it was meant to be and I have learnt that to be the truth . Just like that, it was over ..so does all things in life.. just like that.